Unanswered questions now answered

I got a list of Unanswered Questions in the mail from an old friend. Being the problem solver I am, I decided to actually put to rest those unanswered questions. From now on, everyone will know how to answer them.

1. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Because of the friction from flying through the air at 120kph

2. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Because we believe mind over battery.

3. Why do banks charge a fee on insufficient funds when they know there is not enough?

It's a bank for God's sake! They'll make money off of anything!

4. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

To keep their faces intact when they crash. To save face of course!

5. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Because we can't check if there are four billions stars. Duh!

6. Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

The guy who wanted to torture us all.

7. What is the speed of darkness?

It's the opposite of the speed of light.

8. Why is it that people say they slept like a baby when babies wake up every two hours?

Because babies can't remember how much they bothered their parents. And people who slept like a baby can't remember their own snoring.

9. Are there specially reserved parking spaces for normal people at the Special Olympics?

No. Because they're not special enough.

10. If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Who cares? It's cold!

11. Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

No, single people live longer. Married people just die happier.

12. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be

a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

All the good brains were in NASA, not Polo.

13. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Because you can't see sunbathers from the ground.

Did you ever stop and wonder...... .

14. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Probably the baby cow.

15. Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Probably a fetishist.

16. Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

It's always good to have options in your life.

17. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

You know what to expect from a freezer. It's all frozen.

18. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Because it could be confused with "Kick me".

19. Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

It increases his excitement.

20. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

Goofy is better trained.

21. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Testicles. Duh!

22. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Well, what do you get when you squeeze a baby?

23. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Yes, moron.

24. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

So does Baa Baa Black Sheep. It's called plagiarism, dude.

Stop singing and read on........

25. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Yes, you do.

26. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Because the wind outside doesn't have bad breath.

27. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

No, but it makes you feel better.

28. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Yes, and I'll be sure to pass on the favour.

AskWhiskers